Monday, December 04, 2006
So we are already on the 4th day of December. Are you done with your Christmas shopping? I have only bought 2 little gifts. Pathetic. Where is my Christmas spirit? My office Christmas Party was this past Saturday. I listened to one Christmas song after another. Better yet, I tolerated one tune right after another. I am feeling blue. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself or have a pity party but sometimes my past haunts me. And during the Christmas season, I tend to feel down. I ask myself why when I as I mention over and over how blessed I am. Thoughts of Christmas past keeping popping in my head. Christmas pasts were unhappy. No one one wanted to put up the Christmas tree. There was no real traditions. No advent calendars. No reading of the Twas the Night Before Christmas. There were no real gifts that I remember getting that were so awesome and just made in particular Christmas memorable. There was no faith. No remembering or real mentions of what Christmas was truly about. Christmas always seemed to be a pain; a stress. I guess due to the negativity of Christmas past, it's hard to shake it. It's hard to break a pattern. I know I am in control of my Christmas's now. I can put up our Christmas tree. I can decorate our house anyway I want. I can celebrate the way I want to celebrate. For Heaven's sake Christmas is the birth of our Saviour!! God graced this world with His Son, Jesus. And yet, I feel down. What the heck is the matter with me? I see Christmas lights decorating the houses on our streets. Yet, this doesn't prompt me to bring out my pretty Christmas wreath and hang it on the door. I don't know why I can't bring myself to bring out our little tree and place it where the pets can't get to it (Hence why I don't put up the big tree). I look thru catalog after catalog and think about the possibilities of different gifts for people, yet I don't pick up the phone or get on the internet to purchase.
Yesterday was the first day of advent and I was too lazy to get out the advent wreath, candles and say our little evening advent prayer. Pathetic. That's how I feel. I know what the real meaning of Christmas is.......so why can't the reality of it jolt me into jubilation? I don't feel bah-humbug. I just feel blah. I really feel that I try to get over my past. The past is the past. It is behind me and then in the snap of your fingers something" (like Christmas!) triggers a memory, a memory I wish to forget. A memory that I thought I was "over" it. And come to find out I am not. When will I get "over" "it" where it doesn't bother me any more?
How does one truly make peace with their past? Is that possible? Memories never really fade. Sometimes I feel so strong and so positive. I feel I have conquered my past. And then today, and yesterday, and the day before that, things, thoughts, memories, just kept creeping in. It is tho as the days from Thanksgiving have passed, the flood gates have opened.
I am not PMSing. I just feel melancholy.
******note I do want to mention that I know my Christmas's could have been so much worse. I did have a house, I did have a tree (when someone went to the basement to get the box it was in), I did get gifts when so many don't even have that! I realize what I did have when so many didn't have anything! I just get all caught up listening to my friends, co-workers, church family talk about the priceless, beautiful memories they have of Christmas. How their families celebrated. All the love, faith, caring, joy, delight just makes my heartache especially when I know that my life was so void of it. And I just get to questioning why it had to be that way.......
Yesterday was the first day of advent and I was too lazy to get out the advent wreath, candles and say our little evening advent prayer. Pathetic. That's how I feel. I know what the real meaning of Christmas is.......so why can't the reality of it jolt me into jubilation? I don't feel bah-humbug. I just feel blah. I really feel that I try to get over my past. The past is the past. It is behind me and then in the snap of your fingers something" (like Christmas!) triggers a memory, a memory I wish to forget. A memory that I thought I was "over" it. And come to find out I am not. When will I get "over" "it" where it doesn't bother me any more?
How does one truly make peace with their past? Is that possible? Memories never really fade. Sometimes I feel so strong and so positive. I feel I have conquered my past. And then today, and yesterday, and the day before that, things, thoughts, memories, just kept creeping in. It is tho as the days from Thanksgiving have passed, the flood gates have opened.
I am not PMSing. I just feel melancholy.
******note I do want to mention that I know my Christmas's could have been so much worse. I did have a house, I did have a tree (when someone went to the basement to get the box it was in), I did get gifts when so many don't even have that! I realize what I did have when so many didn't have anything! I just get all caught up listening to my friends, co-workers, church family talk about the priceless, beautiful memories they have of Christmas. How their families celebrated. All the love, faith, caring, joy, delight just makes my heartache especially when I know that my life was so void of it. And I just get to questioning why it had to be that way.......
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About Me
- Name: Blessed
- Location: Kentucky, United States
♥ I belive in God and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I don't consider myself religious but I am very spiritual. I believe that God is closer to us than our own spirit.♥ I am a sinner. I am a saint. I am a work in progress. I try to be good, do good but I do stray from the path from time to time.♥ I try to be positive and sometimes it is quite difficult. I still keep trying, believing, hoping, dreaming.♥ I believe in smiling; Looking people in the eyes. I have a big ole heart. I care.♥ I am a worrier, goofball, romantic, a lover of animal, veteran and nature causes.♥ I believe in treating others with respect and dignity, having faith, rooting for the underdog, doing onto others as you want done onto yourself, telling the truth, being kind, supporting and encouraging, standing up for what I believe and value, having a sense of humor, being thankful being accountable, committed and recognizing limitations.♥ I strive to keep learning and growing.♥ I try not to judge but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sometimes judgemental. I try to have an open mind and love all for who they are to me.♥
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The sea is calling me, but only for a time, a time to return to thee and thy love divine. I swim out among waves, through the rocks the and great caves, thinking only of thee my love... Although we are from different worlds it never could be wrong, for thou knowest I will return, singing the mermaid's song... The clams, oysters, whales know it to be true, that all is love and all my love I only give to you... So come to me, oh sailor on the land, come with me and gently take my hand... For I will love you always, and always is as long as the sea meets the sand..
--Ocean Carol
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So, you suggest Ambien....hrmm
If u were in my shoes right now girl, u wudnt even wanna live...I know it's unfair for me to ask u to compare ur life with mine..and also Im not so ready to tell all the private details of why Im saying that...but I just want u to know that even tho my life is really pathetic at the moment. I'm doing my bit to live in the moment...cos this very moment is all I have. Past is gone...I can never get there again and correct what happened...Future - I dunno what it will hold for me...but all I have is the Present...this very moment. And I will LIVE it with joy. And if u knew what Im facing, u wouldnt think that I have this much reason to LIVE for the moment. But I do. Cos I find joy in that. The moment is all we have. So sieze it and LIVE sweetie. Leave the Past in the Past. Live in the Present. And let that be ur Chrissy PRESENT for urself :) HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGZ!
Keshi.
If it were left up to me, I'd probably skip Christmas this year.
I hope you find your spirit and joy. It will come sweetie, just when you least expect it.
xo
Sometimes the real meaning of something comes from the thought you give it.
Just look at your post. Feel the hope and want and wish, for yourself and others. I feel it and I will never meet you.
Others will comment in ways that may make you feel better or worse but at the end of the day all of your life will come from within yourself.
I struggle with my Faith, I know this.
You seem comfortable with yours, so take that gift you have given your self and hang on to it. Let it help you see what is important to you this season.
It may be the past, the present, or the future, but what ever it is you can look at it clearly because of the faith carry around with you every day.
I enjoy reading people who live their faith, it gives me some hope.
So if you have done nothing else in preparation for your holidays know this, you have done at least one thing … Given me some hope.
Thank you.
Jack